Friday, August 22, 2008

I laugh when you fall down...

Disclaimer: This post was also edited for personal reasons. Please respect that. The past is in the past, the future is the only thing that matters now. While this blog still conveys some strong emotions, they are the ones I choose to share. Things have changed and I will decide what gets read and what doesn't from now on.

Where to start? It's funny to think that even though I'm done with high school there is so much drama left in my life. This past week has just proven to me how true that is. As much as I don't want this to be a "gossip" blog, this is something I feel I have to do. Getting my true feelings out is hard for me. I'm not one to automatically just open up to people. I have trust issues and I usually won't tell you everything I'm thinking. This is a way for me to get everything out, have you know (whether it be for your benefit or not), and really feel better at the end of the day. As I sit here in my basement, I have so many thoughts and emotions going through my head, I really don't know where to begin. Do I begin at the beginning of the week? Do I start now and Tarantino it? I really have no clue. So if you get lost reading this, sorry, but it was your decision to start anyways.
Alright. So as some of you reading this may know, I'm having a early birthday/late graduation party this weekend. And let me tell you, it's been insane trying to plan this thing. I can't say just how many fights my mom and I have gotten into, but one resulted in my driving on the side of the road, following her as she walked, begging her to get in the truck so we could go home. This party has been an plethora of stress on me, not to mention the fact that life is still going on. Now, I don't want to be rambling on all night, so I'm going to try and make this as short and fast as possible (even if it doesn't seem like it).
My mom is driving me crazy. But then again she is my mother. I know she loves me and is just looking out for my well being, but I would really love it if I could start being treated more as an adult and less like a child.
Moving on. I have no idea what's going on with Michael and me. Are we dating? Are we not? I don't freaking know. I know we like each other, but other than that, I'm just as lost as you. Of course the first guy I like when I move back here is going to be the one that wants to get to know me better before dating me. I feel like I totally just got thrown into that. I'm not saying it's a bad thing, but as much as I try to be patient, I don't know how good I am at it. I know he thinks it seems like I just want a boyfriend to have a boyfriend (which is totally not true- I'd like a lasting relationship, thank you very much), but I also don't want to wait 6 months for getting him to "know me". It would drive me crazy. I'm not saying that I try to be a girl who rushes into things, but I'm not gonna lie, I wear my heart on my sleeve. And to be honest, I've never really met someone like Michael. He's a great guy and all, and my parents like him, but everything just seems so "???" when I'm around him sometimes. I mean, even the girls at my church who dated within the church still kissed and hugged and we able to call the person they liked their boyfriend. I know I sound totally desperate, I just hate being unsure of things. And Michael is someone I'm very unsure of right now. It just is one more confusing thing for me to have to deal with.

On top of all this, let's talk friends. I have them here, but as of now, I'd call them acquaintances. The only real friend I have right now is Michael. Everyone else has hung out with me maybe once or twice, but other than that they never call, text, NADA. Am I really that annoying or hard to get along with? I like to think I'm quite the people person, but maybe I'm wrong. I mean, even my friends back in WA don't keep great touch with me. I have to do all the work. I hate having to do all the work. It would just be nice if some people showed they cared about me back.
Anyways...I feel like I've ranted quite a bit now. I really hope this doesn't become a rant blog every time because I really am capable of more than that. I guess some good things that have happened would be getting a phone call about someone buying my FF5 pictures, getting my hair fixed tomorrow, turning 18 in 9 days, having some people actually attend my party, and hopefully making some new friends. Some REAL friends.
Well, I guess I'll make my exit with a song. A song that I usually listen to when things are going this way. The lyrics are definitely interesting and you can interpret them however you'd like, but this is just how I feel sometimes. And for some reason, this song always makes me feel at least a little bit better. So here you go. Enjoy.


"Underbelly" by As Tall As Lions

I'm so tired of waiting

For your sins to come along

If I said you're beautiful
I'd be wrong

Oh, there is nothing baby
When I look into your eyes
But your so far between your little white lie

Maybe next time
We can both find someone to hold down
someone to hold down

Wait 'til I start speaking
Tell you what you wanna hear
Let me whisper very softly, in your ear

In the future maybe
We can try to work it out
Then I'll laugh and let you cry by yourself

Maybe this time
We can both find someone to hold down
someone to hold down

Maybe you can make me laugh
When you trip and fall down
I laugh when you fall down

Maybe you can make me laugh
When you trip and fall down
laugh when you fall down
I laugh when you fall down

You can listen to it here, if you want:


V2057 said...

did i fall or was i pushed?

Brittnizzle. said...

Oh, John. You are aware none of that had anything to do with you right?